What do I want to do when I grow up?

When I was younger and applying for college, my least favorite question was what I wanted to do when I grew up.  It was a difficult decision.  I finally decided to be a doctor.  Since I have started medical school, many times I have been asked what kind of doctors I would like to be.  Are you kidding me?  There are more than 1 kind of doctors? I never thought about it, just always wanted to be a doctor, that's all.  I already made a career choice to be a doctor, and now I have to go through that pain to think about career choices again?
I remember taking the personality test for career choices in medicine and the result showed that I should do aerospace medicine!!! Yeah, right, I had no idea what that was, and still not interested in looking into it.
So I took a list of different specialties, and start crossing out what I didn't want to do.  The only thing I could cross out was surgery, yes, anything surgery related was out of my list.  
My pathology professors in medschool were fantastic and that gave me a bit of interest in pathology. I wanted to be a "doctor of doctors".  So I went to visit pathology lab one day, and coming out from that lab, I knew it was definitely not for me.
Then I thought I wanted to do Emergency Medicine because I worked in the ER for years as a clerk and loved how exciting it was.
Until I took some OMM-Osteopathic Manipulation Medicine, I fell in love with it.  I wanted to practice OMM.
Then I started my family medicine, and loved it. It was a bit slow and repetitive but I could see myself doing it. Now, I still have a list of a bunch of things I would not mind doing.
And, surgery rotation came along.  I was not excited for it at all.  The first day in surgery, I was pimped bad.  I was nervous, got asked so many things that I did not know, my mind went completely blank.  During the first week, every night I came home, I just wanted to cry.  I got yelled at so much by everyone, from the techs, to the nurses, to the surgeons.  I felt so stupid every day and felt like I was the worst medical student ever.  I worked so hard, and studied so hard, it seemed like I didn't have time to sleep anymore.
One day, my roommate told me that she thought I was bit by a surgery bug.  I stopped and thought to myself.  Holy cow, I probably have been.  I have thoroughly enjoyed surgery so much.  After 12-14 hours standing in the OR, I still felt energetic, happy and excited.  I came home with joy every night.  My feet hurt from standing all day and I couldn't even stand, but collapsed on my chair as soon as I got home, but I still felt like I have so much energy to do things and look forward to going back to the OR. I started to volunteer to come in on the weekends, staying later and starting my days earlier. I immersed myself into surgery and realized how much I loved it.  I never thought I would love anything that much.  I didn't have weekends off for 2-3 weeks straight but I still felt good.  A 12 hour shift used to sound too crazy for me, became quite a breeze.  16 hours was a good shift for me. 
I think surgery is it.  People tell me how crazy I am for thinking about it, but I truly love it.  It is not like any other specialties that I said I wouldn't mind doing.  I think I would be very sad if I don't get to do surgery now.  I'll need to study harder, much harder and shoot for a residency spot in surgery.  I'm happy to finally find out at the age of 30 what it is that I want to do when I grow up.

 

Announcing death

Patient is not responding
No response to painful stimuli
No pupil reflex
Chest is not rising, no breath sound
No pulse, no heart beat
Time of death 6:28pm


What an honor and privilege it is as physician to announce the ending of a mortal human being.  You can feel that fragile lining between this earth and the spiritual world.

Life is too short to sit and let the clock tick on.   It is too short to be sad nor laden with your failures.  Leave the painful past behind

Time never stops nor returns.

Cheer up and enjoy this beautiful life, make every moment count.  Pursue your dreams, keep moving and shoot for the impossible.   

"Adam fell that men may be, men are, that they may have joy"

Loosing the last grandparent

At 3 am, my grandma passed away
The closest member of my family is more than 2000 miles away from me, and grandma is almost 10,000 miles away. I'm overtaken with grief and loneliness.  I wish I could hold  her hands and kiss her goodbye.
Grandma had a fall a few months ago, fractured her hip.  In the U.S, about 15-20% of patients die within one year of hip fracture. Taking into account that my grandma is almost 90 year old and lives in a third world country, the mortality risk is extremely high in her.  Despite the best effort of caring of her there, she had a pulmonary embolism (a blood blot in her vein in the leg that travels to the lungs and blocks the blood flow to the lungs). She was in life support for awhile, but her health degenerates slowly and its time for the family to let her go.
I remember Dr. Stern often taught that we, doctors, were not God, and we had to learn how to let our patients go in peace and dignity when it was their time to go. 
Still it is hard when you know you won't see them again in this life...

Last time with grandma, summer 2011

Some of my favorite thoughts during medical school

"Remember: Do not let your patients die in pain.

Do not let your patients die hungry.

Do not let your patients die alone"   Robert Stern M.D.

 “Remember to let go, and let them let go when it’s time.

Don’t try to play God.

That position has already been taken.”   Robert Stern M.D.

THINK !!!
QUESTION CONSTANTLY
ASSUME NOTHING
ASK FOR THE EVIDENCE
THINK ABOUT MECHANISMS
NEVER STOP LEARNING

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~Winston Churchill~

Life is too short

Hi, My name is Zane Q. I live in the 21st century (right?) but my technological skills are in the 1800's. I still don't quite comprehend how a bathroom works, so I prefer peeing on the street. If you actually think about it, why do we need to have toilets, urinals and sinks altogether in a bathroom? Why don't you just pee in the sinks and wash your hands in the sinks after, so the water you use to wash your hands can wash off the urine as well! What a great way to conserve water! You may say illllll, but please be mindful that urine is sterile, or supposed to be sterile. More than just the issues with the toilets, I don't know how to use a computer nor the internet. What better way to learn by to try it. So, here it is, my first blog.

Forgot to mention, from what you have been reading so far, you may notice that English is my second language. Well, you are almost right. The only difference between your assumption and the right assumption is difference between right and wrong. English is technically my 3rd or 4th language, who cares, 2-3-4 are just numbers. Its not about quantity, its about quality, so numbers don't really matter except when it comes to your GPA, rankings, years of experience, salaries, money, age, and basically everything else in life.

Anyhows, I have bad memories and I don't remember a lot of things that have happened in life. Life is too short, and experiences will be of waste if they are not recorded. So, blogging is a great way to save that limited storage in my cerebral cortex but retain the beautiful moments I encounter in life. I may use it as a way to keep special people like you updated with things in my life. I thank you for taking a moment to read through these writings. Your comments, thoughts and advice are always welcomed.

One of my favorite trips: swimming with the dolphins in the Amazon, Brazil